If They Look Broken – Don’t Fix Them!
Raise your hand if you often find yourself trying to fix everything and everyone around you. Do you dive headfirst into friendships, trying to mend them, suddenly taking responsibility for their changing moods, and trying to help them navigate the hurts caused by others? Don’t! Or here’s my red-hot habit… trying to alleviate the consequences of their actions. Don’t do that either. I’ve mentioned before that several months ago, I began a journey to learn more about my Codependency. I am learning to set boundaries and understand that certain things are not mine to fix. Friends, what would happen if we (you and I) consciously let go of the compulsion to fix?
In a previous job, I became friends with a woman who seemed to have difficulty maintaining relationships with her coworkers. I began spending time with her and eventually became more and more invested in helping her with her struggles. I felt like I was showing empathy, being an advocate, and creating a bridge of understanding with her coworkers. It didn’t turn out that way at all! I took steps to try and fix things for her when I should have supported her own efforts to change her circumstances. My unhealthy involvement created tension for everyone involved, and instead of fixing the situation, it went the opposite way.
It is human nature to want to help others.
Especially if serving and mercy are your spiritual gifts, it is also innate to desire control over situations. Control. What a heavy word. Have you realized that you need control over situations in your life? I’m learning that about myself. However, clinging to things beyond our control only leads to frustration and unnecessary stress.
As the Bible reminds us in Philippians 4:6-7, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” We can find peace when we surrender our need to fix everything and place our trust in God. Read that again and really rest on the word surrender. When we stop fighting, stop controlling, stop manipulating, stop pushing/shoving – and place our trust in God (reach out toward God and literally let go), we can find peace. The battle is over, we can breathe again, and our heart slows to a more steady beat.
The Need To Fix is Strong
Relationships, whether romantic, family, or friendship, are areas where we often feel an innate need to fix things. But you’ve probably learned as I have, we cannot control or change others no matter how much effort we put into it. One time I found myself involved in a friendship triangle where I was the oldest in the group. The other two had been dating and things rapidly fell apart. The day came for them to separate, and one was moving all her things out of the apartment. Angry words and crazy accusations were thrown around and I found myself stepping in to ‘fix’ the situation. Instead, my interference escalated the situation where more people were pulled into the argument. I quickly realized that I should have handled the situation differently but at that point, it was a full-blown incident. I look back on that day with regret but with a valuable lesson learned. I needed to listen and support instead of trying to fix their emotions and behavior. We must focus on setting healthy boundaries and encouraging personal growth. By accepting others as they are and allowing them to navigate their own path, we not only foster healthier relationships but also gain a deeper understanding of empathy and acceptance.
Romans 12:15
While we cannot fix someone’s pain or heal their wounds, we can offer something equally important – empathy. Romans 12:15 teaches us to “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” By empathizing with others, we create a safe space for them to express their emotions, knowing they are heard and understood. Rather than shouldering the responsibility of fixing their pain, we can be present and offer support. This empathy fosters a stronger connection and allows individuals to find solutions while genuinely feeling heard and supported. That’s what Celebrate Recovery is teaching me. The first several weeks of attending were like learning a foreign language in a foreign country. It was difficult to listen to the hurts and frustrations of others in the group and not offer advice or words of empathy or strategies I had learned from going through something similar.
I Am Weak But HE Is Strong
When we constantly try to fix things that are not ours to fix, we often neglect our own personal growth. By redirecting our energy towards self-improvement and focusing on our own goals, we not only empower ourselves but also inspire others through our own transformation. As we become more aware of our limitations, we gain a greater sense of wisdom and discernment about when to step in and when to step back. I am keenly aware of my habit of fixing things that are not for me. How grateful I am that God promises to be strength in my weakness.
There is a tremendous power in recognizing the difference between what we can fix and what is beyond our control. By letting go of the urge to fix things that are not ours to fix, we free ourselves from unnecessary burdens and allow others to take responsibility for their own lives. As we surrender our need for control and seek guidance from scripture, we find solace, empathy, and the ability to foster healthier relationships. Remember, we are only responsible for our own growth, and there is immeasurable peace and freedom in accepting that some things are not meant for us to fix.
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