My Six Steps to Surviving Divorce:

You are going to be okay

(A post I wrote three years ago. May you find strength from it today.)

You are going to be okay.

Sniffling into the third (or sixth) tissue, I had the urge to toss a sarcastic response back when my friend said it with such earnest love.  “Tammy, listen to me.” She took a considerable pause. “You are going to be okay.”

My mind rejected the words immediately. “Hmm.” I sniffled.

“One day, you will look up and find that you made it. You are okay.” My friend reiterated.

That was four years ago, and I can finally say with 100 percent certainty I am indeed okay. The road to okay was difficult and, at times, overwhelming. My friend lovingly handed me a rope that I didn’t know I would need, and I am forever grateful to her for speaking wisdom and love during a time when my storm was so loud I didn’t want to listen. Wherever you are in your difficult situation beginning-middle-end, I am virtually taking your face in my hands and putting my forehead on yours to tell you, “Beloved friend, you are going to be okay.”

It’s okay to withdraw for a season.

Long before the day I walked out the door of my marriage devastated, I had begun to distance myself from everything and everyone. My heart was bleeding, my emotions were all over the place, and I couldn’t make myself focus on anything except making myself get up to go to work and take care of my son’s needs. Conversations about anything were exhausting, and plastering on the “fake it till I make it smile” became too comfortable. Over the course of the next 48 months, I leaned way into Jesus. I had proclaimed throughout my life that Jesus was all I needed, but the words of Psalm 16:5 “You, Lord, are all I have, and you give me all I need; my future is in your hands,” became my reality.

This last year has been, for me, like a spring flower slowly opening its petals. I can do simple things like keeping track of birthdays and going to baby showers again. Sister, it’s okay that you withdraw to heal for a season, but please make sure that when God begins a new season, you step into it with confidence and gratefulness to Him. Going from darkness to light hurts for just a few minutes until your eyes adjust; the same happens with our hearts. Feeling again hurts, but we must go forward, not retreat.

Immerse yourself in the Scriptures and uplifting music.

I’m going to be straight with you because authenticity is vital. I had suicidal thoughts during the last months of my crumbling marriage. No one knew about them except Jesus. He saw what I was thinking and the plans I was formulating, and I will praise Him forever for intervening. After He led me to seek help from my doctor, I fully immersed myself in the scriptures like never before. I had lost all hope, but Jesus restored it. One of the outcomes of that grueling time was what is now my life verse, Psalm 121, “I lift my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of the heaven and earth.” It was tempting to grasp at anything that would numb my pain, whether it be secular music, stupid movies, scrolling for hours on social media, or seeking attention from anyone – anywhere. Still, I knew that Jesus was the only thing that could heal me. He was the only one that would take this dust and make something brand new. 

There is one thing I did challenge myself with that calmed my agitated mind during the first months of my separation – puzzles! My son and I put together no less than eight giant puzzles in that first two years. Focusing on finding the minute pieces was uber cathartic for me; perhaps it would be for you too? It’s difficult to believe that here we are in 2020, and puzzles are in crazy short supply! Wow!

Talk to a therapist and one or two close friends.

One never knows how many true friends one has until the bottom falls out of everything. Trying to discern who was curious, who was trying to comfort but would be unhealthy, and who would be a healthy confident was mind-boggling.  My personality is the type that I just chose to close myself off to everyone because I didn’t want to offend anyone. I didn’t want to burden those around me with the heaviness of what was happening, and I also didn’t want to create animosity toward others when I shared my story.

Have you known that person that walked around with a rain cloud over their head, soaking everyone close to them with their heartbreaking story and who chose to think, talk, eat, and sleep negativity? Did you eventually avoid that person any chance you got? I didn’t want to be that person! I imagine you don’t, either. A professional therapist is a safe place to talk through your trauma. It’s a place where you can rant and rail about the pain and get into the play-by-play of words and actions. A healthy-trusted confidant is another safe place to talk through areas of personal reflection, but only if that confidant will advise you towards healthy habits, reactions, and thoughts. It’s entirely too easy to find people that will join the mob of hate and anger towards others; it’s a bit more challenging to find that friend that will pray with you and point your eyes toward Jesus for the answers. Proverbs 27:17 states, “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” Another VIP verse is Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, “Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!” And finally, Proverbs 27:6, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend; abundant are the kisses of an enemy.”

Celebrate the days you didn’t cry; give yourself grace for the days you did.

I cried every single day for months. Some days it was watering around the corners of my eyes; some days a silent waterfall. The weekends were more of the guttural sob, but I really did try to reign those events in as much as possible! It didn’t take much to get the tears going, as I’m sure you’ve experienced at some point in your life. A name, a smell, a memory (and there were loads of memories!), a building, a song, a movie – anything could bring a stab of pain and a sob in the back of my throat. Truthfully, it made me so angry at myself! Why couldn’t I control my reactions, and why did this whole thing cause me such emotional and physical pain? Then one day, I read something that changed my anger into understanding, “It hurts because it mattered.”

That was a turning point for me. Knowing that even though I would need to heal and even though I would need to move on, it hurt because it mattered. Sometimes it’s the simple things that the Holy Spirit uses to break through. Our El Roi sees us and meets us at the exact right time with the perfect word. Praise Him!

Let go of things that bring you pain.

Do you still have that necklace? How about that dress? Maybe those birthday/anniversary cards? Give them away, my friend. Dispose of the cards. If it has value, resell it, but you must release the things that bring you pain. Intentionally I kept a very small few things for my son, but I have those things packed away, out of sight.  The pictures are packed away also so that generations from ours will be able to see who their grandparents were.  I am a genealogist; this is very important! 😊 I plan to create a book of the photos to store the book away and remove the photos. Next, replace those things with something else so you aren’t left with a gaping hole. Take new photos, replace that dress, find a different necklace, and build new memories that bring you grins that lead to smiles that lead to laughs that lead to joy. Psalm 28:7 says, “The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust in Him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.”  Four years later, I am standing in the Worship Center of my church, bursting with songs of thanksgiving for the healing He provided to me and the hope He restored.

I pray earnestly that if you are amid loss and debilitating pain, you will lift your eyes to the hills, seek the Abba Father, and find true Joy in Him.